tips of the day: relationship

Five ways to communicate to your partner/spouse without blame.

(Hendricks, K., Hendricks, G.)

1. Listen generously. Reflect back what the person said accurately. Hear the person's feeling. Tune in to what the other person wants and feel what's underneath it. Listen with your third ear.
2. Speak unarguably. That means speaking in statements of fact that can't be argued. For example, you may say to your partner: "I feel bad when you leave for work without saying good-bye." You're saying that you feed bad (a fact) when your partner does not say good-bye (also a fact), and that cannot be argued. This way of speaking places no blame and allows a conversation to happen without argument.
3. Focus on appreciation. The Hendrickses recommend a 5-1 ratio of appreciation to complaint. Focus on positive aspects of your partner and your relationship.
4. Turn your complaints into requests. For example, ask your partner: "If I make dinner, will you clean up?" Be committed to making clear agreements.
5. Shift from blame to wonder. Ask yourself how you might be contributing to a communication problem. Kathlyn Hendricks asks people to "hmmm," which shifts you from your critical mind to your creative mind and, in turn, causes you to shift from being right to having a healthier relationship. Would you rather be right, or happy?

Four "Simple" Communication Tools

(Stewart, S.)

1. Ask for what you want. Stewart says that most people don't ask for what they want because they think they can't get it. But the opposite is typically true. Most people are surprised to learn/to find out that they can get what they want simply by asking.
2. Show your partner what you want to receive. "In other words," says Stewart, "give your partner what you would like your partner to give you."
3. Learn to negotiate. Relationships are give and take. For example — "Honey, I will cook dinner, if you will do the dishes afterward."
4. Learn to modify what you want. "Ask yourself if what you want is really something you have to have," says Stewart.

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